Stray Thoughts

July 16, 2017

Can I Join?

Sometimes I wish there were five of me. I’m sure we’d all just sit around and do nothing but at least then it would be more like a club and not me just being lazy.

July 10, 2017

Alternative Fact #134

George Washington once clothed himself in a burlap dress so that he could pretend he was a sack of potatoes while attending a work party. Jealous of his cutting edge style, George's boss fired him on the spot and stole the look as his own. And that is why being fired is sometimes called "getting sacked."

July 10, 2017

Green Eggs and Hamish

A science fiction thriller about a newly graduated gynecologist from Scotland who gets lured to a small town only to discover that its inhabitants are a secret colony of Martian women with a mission to populate the Earth with their unborn offspring.

July 10, 2017

Assless Chaps

A period piece TV series about two old west settlers from England who dream of owning a mule farm but struggle to make enough money to get started.

July 10, 2017

Significant Udder

A comic strip about a marriage between a Bull and a Cow.

July 10, 2017

Cock-a-Doodle-Drew-or-Die

I think they should make a reality tv show involving a group of roosters who have pencils strapped to their beaks and paper lining the ground of their coop. Each week they scratch out drawings as they eat and their work is judged by Gordon Ramsay who cooks the loser.

July 10, 2017

Rock, Papers, Scissor Kicks

Reality TV show hosted by Dwayne Johnson featuring scientists competing for a chance to get their research papers published by creating the best workout routine.

July 10, 2017

In Stitches

A stitch in time saves nine. Of course, if that stitch is all sloppy and ragged, then who cares?

July 10, 2017

How Much For The Bird?

A bird in hand is worth two in the bush. Unless of course the bird in hand is dead, in which case your bird isn't worth squat and there are two perfectly good birds in a bush laughing at you.

July 10, 2017

Two For One

Kill two birds with one stone, preferably those two in the bush. They're not worth more than the one in your hand anyway.

July 10, 2017

Lie Down Boy

Let sleeping dogs lie. Unless of course by using the word "lie" they actually mean to not tell the truth. In that case, call the dog on it. Sleeping or not, that’s just not cool.

July 10, 2017

Wanna Try That Again?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again. No use giving up now, you already looked pathetic by not getting it on that first try.

July 10, 2017

How Charming

The third time's the charm. I'm pretty sure the fourth time is either pregnancy or jail time.

July 10, 2017

I Gave It An 8

You can't judge a book by its cover. Everyone knows it's the swimsuit competition that really counts.

July 10, 2017

That’s Just Perfect

If you want a thing done well, do it yourself. That is unless you are trying to shave your back. Let’s be realistic, you can't be perfect at everything.

July 10, 2017

Good Advice

If you've got it, flaunt it. Just don't be standing near a running fan when you let it out.

July 10, 2017

Altitude Attitude

If the mountain will not come to Muhammad, then Muhammad must go to the mountain. It sounds to me like that mountain has some serious passive-aggressive behavior issues.

July 10, 2017

Health Food

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A fact that would be inconvenient for anyone who has a heart attack while carrying a bushel of apples.

July 10, 2017

Ups And Downs

What goes up must come down. Evidently, we are not talking about my weight here.

July 10, 2017

Good To Know

Every little bit helps. That is unless of course you’re trying to stick every little bit of your finger into my ear. Then you should just cut that out.

July 10, 2017

Knock Knock

Opportunity only knocks once. Too bad it wasn't a Jehovah's Witness. Those guys never give up.

July 10, 2017

Giddy Up

If wishes were horses, then beggars would ride. I don’t think they would ride the horses though. Probably more of a bicycle or something. What beggar has money to look after a horse?

July 10, 2017

Stronger

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Unless of course what didn’t kill you just succeeded in turning your bones to rubber, in which case what didn’t kill you made you into a Gummy Bear.

July 10, 2017

Getting Lucky

If you see a penny, pick it up and all the day you’ll have good luck. Not sure just how much luck a penny will get you nowadays. Pretty sure you probably spent it all just finding a dirty, discarded penny in the first place.

July 10, 2017

Penny Pincher

A penny for your thoughts already seems like a cheap bid, but the fact that you expect to get more than just one thought for that same penny is what makes you such a greedy bastard.

July 10, 2017

Watch It

A watched pot never boils. Of course, neither does a roasting pan but you don’t hear anyone making a big fuss about that one, do you?

July 10, 2017

Make It Count

Never count your chickens before they hatch. Unless of course you are making omelets, in which case I will have three.

July 10, 2017

Treasure It Always

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Of course, it's important to check for needles in that trash because Hepatitis can be a really crappy treasure.

July 10, 2017

Oh So Curious

Curiosity killed the cat. I bet it was because the damn thing kept lying on his face while he tried to sleep.

July 10, 2017

Over The Moon

Who cares about some runaway dish and spoon when the real question is, what the “hey diddle diddle” is going down between that cat and that fiddle?